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Ship Review - Day 8
Day Eight- The Final Day- Random rear end Ships And Stuff I Didn't Cover Before
Today's poo poo is a wholly uninteresting collection of ground vehicles and small ships. If you really want a review here it is: they all suck and there's no gameplay attached to them, don't buy them. Okay now that that's out of the way, I want to take this space to review some of the ships I haven't covered so far, because they aren't released. Included in this collection are some of the most outrageous fuckups that CIG has ever managed. Prepare yourself, for the grand finale of Sarsapariller's Sassy Ship Sperging!
Tumbril Nova
Price: 105 real dollars
Guns: Tanky gun
Speed: Ground Vehicle
Can It Do Anything Other Than Fight: It can serve as block housing for up to 6 families
Reviewer's Thoughts: As we're going to discuss, CIG got really into land and territory claims once they had procedural planets in the game. Like, way way into it. Like they kind of forgot that Star Citizen was a game about space for about a year, and it's not clear that they've remembered yet. They started selling land claim beacons and rovers and bikes and all kinds of happy horseshit that doesn't do anything because there is no persistence and you can't own anything for longer than one restart and none of it is in the game anyway. This is where the Tumbril Nova comes in. In any other game this would be the novelty tank that you encounter in a single level and pilot through the city, blowing up Covenant dropships and shouting OOO-RAH at the marines as you ride by. In Star Citizen this is a 105 dollar purchase. You are going to need these to protect your "Land investment" you see. From, uh, bandits. Why would anyone buy this when it would stand to reason that a landlocked vehicle is going to be extremely vulnerable to spaceships, the one thing everybody in the game has? Shut up, stop asking questions, buy the new thing. Anyway CIG hosed up, as is tradition, and all of the concept art for this thing depicts it as being roughly two to three times the size of a house. Seriously it is a tank that looks like it would not fit on any city street in the world. It is a tank with multiple stories on the interior. No ship in the game can carry this. Don't worry, though! CIG solved that problem by selling an entirely new ship just for carrying this loving tank. It is the H2 Hercules and I do not cover it here, because I just told you everything you need to know about it in one sentence.
Aegis Redeemer
Price: 250 imaginary dollars
Guns: This ship will never be released
Speed: Chris personally hates it
Reviewer's Thoughts: Before we delve into the final madness of CIG let's take a trip back to the Halcyon days of 2013-2014, and a little show called The Next Great Starship. See, at the time Chris's whims had turned to American reality television for some godforsaken reason, and obviously what he needed to do was host like 6 months of a show where a bunch of fans competed, for free, to make assets for his unreleased game that they had all already paid for. Their objective was to make a gunship and (and here was the critical mistake) Chris would let the "Community" vote on the final winners. Well it turned out there were some really talented people in his community, and also some less-talented ones, and some that were talented but only knew how to make anime ships, and also some pedophiles. The pedo posted on our very own forums briefly before he was arrested and that is all I will say about that. But long story short, the anime people narrowly won the contest, and the redeemer was the ship they delivered. It looks nothing like anything else in the Aegis lineup. Its engines are giant hair clippers and don't make any sense. It is loving loaded with enough guns, missiles, and turrets to make a Super Hornet blush. It has also not seen the light of day since the end of the show. They sold it, per their agreement with the community, then they buried it and will never discuss it again. CIG hates this ship. Presumably because it actually kind of cool, but (I suspect) because it is the one ship in the game that did not spring fully-formed from Chris's sweaty balding head. So it's safe to take giant shits on internally. But yeah this was basically it for community engagement- after this, CIG swore off any kind of public fan-input ever again.
https://starcitizen.tools/images/3/30/GenesisStarliner1.jpgGenesis Starliner
Price: More than an airline ticket, 400 dollars
Guns: All passenger liners should come with guns
Speed: LA to NY in 15 minutes
Reviewer's Thoughts: Okay back to the more fevered recent era. CIG decided to sell a space airliner. Okay, cool you say, not for me but I can see why passenger transport would be a thing in their universe and why not sell the model, it's not like it could expand gameplay enormously. Whoah there buckaroo. Holster that assumption cannon! They sold an entire novel of airline gameplay with this thing. See, it's not enough that you have a ship with NPC's on it. You need to keep them happy. You need to serve them drinks. You need to make sure your blade servers are set up with the latest entertainment so that they don't get upset! You think I'm kidding. Do I need to remind you of the space farm and particle collider? CIG had completely detached from reality at this point, waving hands and promising poo poo to make a quick buck was how they did. Lest you think I am loving kidding, here is the original pitch. Flight attendants! Medical diagnosis! Luxury seating and upgradeably liquors! THE MIXMASTER! Anyway I probably don't need to tell you, but this ship hasn't come out and it probably won't ever come out. CIG can't even get NPC's to stand still without t-posing and dying. Imagine trying to fill a moving ship with a hundred of them.
Pioneer
Price: 850 colony-founding dollars
Guns: Fuuuuuck I don't care
Speed: I'm sure it will take 2+ hours to get anywhere
Reviewer's Thoughts: Back to land claims. Here's the ship that literally can build outposts. Why would you need to do that? What function do outposts serve? Can you have more than one? Is it persistent after you log out? WHY DO YOU NEED OUTPOSTS SERIOUSLY? gently caress you, stop asking questions, Future Chris will handle all of this, don't worry so much. It's big and it looks like a homeworld ship and it can land on planets and leave little buildings! loving buy it! So with the Pioneer we've gone from "Spaceship game in space" to "Spaceship game with planets" to "Planet game, focused on the planets, with some spaceships enabling the planet-based gameplay." Why? Who was clamoring for the planet stuff? Nobody, but Chris had an engineer who was able to make procedural planets work in Cryengine, so that is what Star Citizen is now- a game about procedural planets and owning them, I guess. Hence all the content just released, and about to be released, and why it is all just planets planets planets. The pioneer cost 850 dollars and hasn't been seen since the initial sale. I don't think they even mentioned it during this expo. But the North remembers. Oh yes.
Origin 890 Jump
Price: 890 dollars haha get it that's the name of the ship it's a number we just loving made up and it coincides with the price what a coincidence
Guns: Not nearly enough
Speed: Not nearly enough
Reviewer's Thoughts: Citizens please buy one of these. It makes it so much easier to figure out which of you needs to be relentlessly griefed. So. Chris likes trains. He likes formula 1, he likes gritty space rebels, he likes car dealerships, he likes navies and saluting and admirals. You will find all of these things in Star Citizen. But the one thing Chris loving loves? More than anything else in the whole goddamn world? So much that it has infested Star Citizen with a bunch of useless cluttered poo poo? Luxury yachts. There is nothing in this world Chris loves more than a big rear end useless multi-million-dollar luxury yacht with all the fixin's. He has like 4 of these stupid loving things in the game, as well- pretty much the entire Origin lineup, plus the Constellation Phoenix, are all "Luxury." And they don't loving do anything! They're just white, and wood-panelled, in a game about grungy spacemen! But this thing- oh, this 890 jump- this is the crown jewel. For literally 900 of your dollars, you can own a frigate-sized monument to your limitless ego and inability to perceive value. What can it do? It can luxury. It's got big windows! It has, uh... it's white! It has wood paneling! It has virtually no defenses and is probably slow as poo poo! If I see you in this thing I will dedicate my evening to making you upset!
luxury
NO, MORE LUXURY
DID I loving STUTTER I SAID LUXURY I DON'T CARE IF IT SERVES NO GAMEPLAY PURPOSE
Idris P And M
Price: 1000-1750 can't-even-make-a-joke-about-it dollars
Guns: All the best guns
Speed: None
Reviewer's Thoughts: God I'm tired of writing about spaceships and it's only been 8 days. Imagine how the fuckers at CIG must feel after 6 years! Anyway we're in the home stretch now. The Idris M is the grand-daddy of the whale ships. It was originally sold as a ONE TIME ONLY MILITARY VERSION WE WILL NEVER SELL THIS AGAIN in a lot of 100, at 1000 dollars per ship. I don't know why. I guess Chris needed a hundred grand at the tables that day and cashing in some of this stuff was the best way to do it. Of course, it was never that exclusive. For the first two years, you could message the concierge service and they'd just straight-up sell you one of these eventually. This was what prompted the grey market in the first place. People were apeshit to buy this thing and too impatient to wait. You could turn around and sell it for 3-4x what you paid for it. I did this with one and made a cool 3k profit off of it. CIG wasn't having that, though- they wanted their cut of the idiot whale money and behind-the-scenes sales were not going to do it. So they made the Idris-P. It was the exact same ship, but worse- missing the railgun, missing a couple bigger guns- and for more money- 1,250 dollars. See it turns out there's some law in the EU that prevents you from exchanging digital goods over 1000 dollars in value. So the Idris M was "Giftable" between accounts, but the Idris P, at just slightly past the limit, was not! So sad backers, nothing we can do about it! Naturally the "Worse but for more money" ship sold like hotcakes. They eventually started locking the original behind high-level packages, so if you spent 10k or whatever on Star Citizen you could net yourself one, because why spend 1k when you could multiply that by 10? Anyway it's been 6 years and this ship isn't out because it's a flying skyscraper/aircraft carrier and nothing about their engine can handle it. This ship Expo was the first time that a static model was placed in the game alongside players. It's not coming out, it's never coming out, give Chris Roberts all your money etc.
Javelin
Price: 3000 dollars but that's just for starters
Guns: More guns than the loving Idris that's for sure, what a pleb ship
Speed: Actually negative
Reviewer's Thoughts: We need to go deeper. More P2W than a 1000 dollar capital ship. What about... a three thousand dollar ship that you have to pay 5,000 just to get the option to buy? Oh yes. I don't know if that's still the case, but originally the Javelin was only offered to super-duper megawhales. It is a destroyer, or something, who cares. It has all the guns and it's like two miles long and it takes more people to run it than CIG has ever demonstrated they can fit on a single server. It costs 5,000 just to look at the store page and 3,000 just to buy. You probably need to co-sign a loan with Chris just to sniff this thing's farts. It costs more than some people make in a year, it will never be released, and if it was it would serve no gameplay function except to just sit there because there is no game mechanic requiring this. What are you gonna loving do, fly it to an asteroid field and hunt bandits? Motherfucker this ship is bigger than Port Olisar. How do you even propose that players spawn this monstrosity? Nothing about this makes sense. Hundreds of artists are going to spend a year just to do the interior of this ship, that like 15 morons in the entire world will ever own, and you know every one of them is so repugnant they're never going to get a crew for it. But we're not loving done yet.
Anvil F8 Lightning
Price: Ten. Thousand. Dollars.
Guns: Lots of em
Speed: Faster than a wireless transaction between your bank and Chris's wallet
Reviewer's Thoughts: Deeper. This is it, this is as whale as it gets. The F8 Lightning was the final, gotta-have-it ultimate supership at the end of Squadron 42, the game of mocap and missed deadlines. In the old Wing Commander games there was always some ludicrously OP ship that the player got towards game's end that could kill like 100 other fighters without a scratch. Chris, understanding that this would be extremely poor game design to have in his multiplayer dog-fight MMO, committed publicly on camera in numerous places that players would not see or be able to buy this ship until they finished SQ42. Well, that lasted 3 of 4 years which is practically a record in Chris-land, but eventually a whole big pile of internal poo poo was leaked including models for this fighter, and CIG kind of gave up the fight. A year or so after that, surprise! There's a ten thousand dollar pack in the store, and if you buy it the big extra-special reward is.... this fighter! Don't worry, it's not P2W. I mean, you did pay. You paid so very much. And you're going to win- believe us, if you don't win we will alter the game until you do, at that kind of price. But it cannot be conclusively proven that you paid just to win. So, checkmate haters! Back in reality, it is kind of surprising that this is the final ship in the whale lineup, but I think they'd kind of run out of capital ships to overpromise and under-deliver on at the point that this was sold. This thing will, inevitably be the most ludicrously OP fighter in the game. Which means that once people can earn it in-game, it will be the only fighter anyone ever uses. Every other ship will have to be balanced around this piece of poo poo, or be rendered instantly irrelevant. This thing is the literal death knell of any kind of balance or gameplay ever existing in Star Citizen. The end game is just going to be this fighter, whichever trade ship can carry the most cargo, and whichever capital ship can shoot this fighter the best (or, if none of them can... just more of this fighter). That's it. Look upon your works, ye Future Chris's, and despair.
